• would get a cold when the country is experiencing a heatwave and its first summer in 3 years
• would worry about not being productive on a lovely lazy sunday and therefore clean the bathroom, kitchen and hoover
• would spend lots of time emailing Moblie to tell him I want to knit, studying Ravlery and writing a blog about it in preference to actually doing some knitting

You are about to have a privileged insight into the mind of a mad woman.  Currently my thought processes go a bit like this:

Oh my god.  Oh my god.  Placement Monday.  Got to do the subject audit, got to get it right; no got to get it perfect.  Can’t find what to base it on, stress, stress, stress. What shall I wear? What shoes will be comfortable?  Oh my god.  Mustn’t put on weight.  Stress.  What food shall I take?  Will I get fed? Oh my god. What if I oversleep? Got to get up at 5.45am got to get the 6.45am hover, need to buy a train ticket. What shall I take with me? When will I get home? Will I get too tired? When can I speak to Moblie?  Will he still want me if I don’t ring everyday because I shall be pooped out by 11.30pm? Stress. Oh my god. Driving to Plymouth brother says to leave work early, can’t bear to ask, what if I get stuck in traffic? What shall I do about food? Will they feed me? Devastated if I put on weight. Mustn’t put on weight. Stress. Mother says top leave work early. Stressed about speaking to colleagues.  Never seen a weeks old baby before – what if I break him?  Stress. Will they let me shower both mornings?  Oh my god.  What if they think I’m a burden? What if I get lost on the way? Stress. Have I brought the right clothes?  Is a skein of wool enough as a gift for hosting me? Oh my god.  Oh my god.  Placement Monday.  Got to do the subject audit, got to get it right; no got to get it perfect…

And so on on repeat 24hours a day. You see I do need Moblie here to calm me with kisses.

• I am getting such a buzz from losing weight like I've never felt before.  I'm so proud of myself for trying to sort myself out in the most healthy way possible.  I've lost 26.5lbs so far, and I just feel that this time - this is it.  I've got my head round it and Moblie is so supportive as is my family.  I can and I will do it.
• the fact that I have 7 weeks left in my job and a whole new exciting career to look forward to
• the prospect of a fabulous holiday with Moblie in 7 weeks
• my amazing stash of yarn that will keep me going during next year when my pay reduced
• my Moblie who continues to be pretty damn perfect in practically every way, even when he is at sea
• my debts becoming under control. 
• I managed to bravely call Organicmama and she said she has been planning my visit for months and can't wait to see me!  Bless her, what a wonderful friend and a glorious thing to hear.  She seems to have planned an idyllic weekend including wool shops and tea shops and I shall get to meet her 5 week old son - I've never seen a child that young and I'm hoping i might get a cuddle from him and his 2year old sister.  I've warned her that if it is too idyllic this visiting malarky might become a habit...

• I seem to be getting perculiarly addicted to TV.  It's even on now and I'm not even watching it.  I find it distracting and often nothing on to watch, yet I always have it on and sometimes I'll put it on at Moblie's even though he doesn't want it on because I am so lazy and feel like it ought to be on if we are sat in the living room.  How odd am I.
• my placement starts Monday for 3 weeks and I am totally paranoid that I will oversleep and miss the ferry and train.  It is my ultimate nightmare.  I know when it is complete I'll be that much more settled for the September start and if i can do 3 weeks, I ca do half a term and that I'll be used to it.  I also worry that I will fail to make a good impression on my host school.  AND I'm worried about all the prep work to do... and then there's the course itself....
• the stress has made me insatiably hungry recently and it's making the diet difficult.

1.      Read 2 books - One done, no more progress.

2.      Lose 14lbs in 12 weeks - 9.5lbs to go and I am SO Nervous about tomorrow's weigh in,  I am 2.5 points over for the week and I have my period.  It's not like a couple of years ago where I would have been about 35 points over when I was stressed and binging, but I so want to lose and have consisitent losses

3.      Paint the bits of wall by the ends of the blind rollers in the kitchen so it looks less shabby

4.      Complete 4 knitting projects without buying any wool - I've not bought any more wool this week (achievement) and I've now got 4 projects on the go, all in stash yarn.  Woo!  I only have 2 projects left to go on this challenge, but I have 11 to go for the yearly challenge.

5.      Study for my maths exams – 22 May & 17 June 

6.      Defrost the freezer

7.      Do the ironing 

8.      Get winter coat dry cleaned – more of a “todo” item than a challenge, but maybe it will get done this way!

9.      Try 1 new recipe a week - still going strong.  This week was fruity couscous - not my greatest triumph but not awful either.  Better with yogurt.

10. Go through CDs and upload onto my MP3 player

11. Get rid of said CDs and go through simplifying my worldy goods again

12. Make bedside tablecloths

13. Get quotes for bathroom works

Alabamawhirly has a competition to win her latest pattern on her blog and it gave me a wonderful opportunity to post the following - I hadn't realised how much deeply I had thought about these topics before...

Who fictional or otherwise would you like to knit for?

Fictional characters inspire me all the time - I'd like to make something fantazmagorical and completely absurd for Willy Wonker that looks like he is wearing a bouquet of sweets; A beautiful muted shawl for Tess of the D'Urbervilles in grey with an edging that is similar to Ysolda's Hap Blanket; a pair of lacy light fingerless gloves that hook over the middle finger as they go to a point in a cream colour for Titania, Queen of the fairies or if I go back to my childhood; a cosy v shaped cardigan with cute buttons on for Mildred, the Worst Witch.

Since I was a child and I became the solitary bookworm that I loved to be I imagined living in the same worlds as the characters and everything from the curl of my hair to the scallop edge of my hem would be part of my dreams.

Nowadays I tend to find myself inspired by anyone and everything - nothing escapes my daydreams!

I'd love to make a wonderful eccentric brooch for Nigella to wear on her lapel as she sashays across the kitchen; a beautiful lace shawl for Margarte from the Apprentice; something bang on trend and a little unconvential for Sophie Ellis-Bextor; leg warmers to go with the incredible high heels that Beverley Knight leaps around stage wearing; a warm winter wrap for Stacey Kent to snuggle into as she soaks us with her velvety voice.

But back in real life I have lots of people who inspire me to create and I want to show that I love them, baby blankets for the bundles of joy being brought into the love and who become the most precious commodity in their parents lives; a tank top for my big brother who has always been there for me and has recently honed his body which he likes to show off in this style; my mother who is always there for me without prejudice despite frequent disagreements or fracas; my beloved who words cannot describe how wonderful he is to me. He deserves the best of everything I can ever give and I doubt I will ever be able to show.

Ah me!  So much knitting - so little time!
 

Last night was reasonably uneventful which was annoying as I had actually planned an event. I had planned a reconnection with my free time by reading and knitting the night away but all this was halted by the following sequence of events.

To start with I had to peel off my black pumps after discovering earlier in the day that I had a huge hole in the pleather (not even remotely near a redeemable situation like a seam) at the top of my left big toe and that the linings had started to stick to my feet.  After this discovery I decided that my feet needed some TLC and gave myself a pedicure.  This was great and made me feel fab, until I stubbed my right big toe on route from bathroom to kitchen for a cup of tea.  I then did a round trip of mad mabel behaviour by taking something that needed to be put away in the bedroom from the kitchen, something for the lounge in the bedroom and lounge to kitchen, trotting from one to the other doing half jobs for about 15 minutes.  When I realised what a monumentally dippy thing this was to be doing I checked myself, finished putting my clothes away, the washing up away, doing more washing up, collecting dirty clothes, unpacking from staying at Moblie’s and tidying my personal paperwork in the lounge one job at a time and realised that this routine had been going on for an hour.

I felt hungry at this point so I took my ping meal (devastatingly tempting on the box, devastatingly disappointing on the tongue) out and left it on the side for five minutes whilst I did my hoovering. 45 minutes later I found myself checking my emails and still feeling hungry so I actually pinged my meal and sat down to eat.  Somehow it had whirled around to be 8.30pm and I decided to turn some delicious skeins into balls.

Without Moblie (who is now on day 2/42 at sea) this turned into a difficult pursuit.  I started wrapping the skein around my feet, which I quickly aborted as the pedicure and moisturiser had inflamed my eczema as well as the stressful activities that June had brought. I was not going to ruin a yummy yarn by putting it near my scuzzy feet… I settled on wrapping it round my knees next and this was a resounding success.  Well for the first ten minutes anyway. My back started to spasm and the evil whiplash started up again.  So I had to resort to the washing airer. It was a resounding success. But s-l-o-o-o-w! Come back moblie all is forgiven.

So all in all, I was rather scuppered reading and knitting wise.  So today I will attempt a rerun with baking thrown into the mix!

1.      Read 2 books - One done! 

2.      Lose 14lbs in 12 weeks - stayed the same this week, and I'm 9.5 points over today but I will rescue the week, 9.5lbs to go!

3.      Paint the bits of wall by the ends of the blind rollers in the kitchen so it looks less shabby

4.      Complete 4 knitting projects without buying any wool (er.... I need to felt one, got 2 more on the needles and I've bought 4 skeins of wool... shh!  don't tell anyone!  It was hand dyed cheap for what it was and off etsy!  I'm supporting a niche industry!  Ok those reasons sound good to me so I am going to stick to them...)

5.      Study for my maths exams – 22 May & 17 June - Ugh!  I am so over maths revision!  One week to go...

6.      Defrost the freezer

7.      Do the ironing – it remains in my kitchen taunting me. 

8.      Get winter coat dry cleaned – more of a “todo” item than a challenge, but maybe it will get done this way!

9.      Try 1 new recipe a week - check!

10. Go through CDs and upload onto my MP3 player

11. Get rid of said CDs and go through simplifying my worldy goods again

12. Make bedside tablecloths

13. Get quotes for bathroom works

For the first time in a long time I am feeling excited and positive and I want to share with you why.  

After countless months, well honestly most of my life, loathing myself I am beginning to be more realistic and I realised that I like my hair colour, and I’m pleased with the shape. My skin has cleared and my acne only appears when Aunt Flo is in town (if you know what I mean).  And on that note the specialists have now find a combination of medication that is finally working and I seem to be getting be on an even keel.  People are beginning to notice that I have lost 23lbs and I only have another 63lbs to go.  Ok that sounds a lot, let’s move on. 

Today I am seeing my new physio as the powers that be (my lawyer seems not to be the one in control) have approved another 10 sessions of physio to sort my back out after my accident last March (2008).  It feels like I could get sorted before I start my retraining.  Which brings me to only 9 weeks until I leave this job and 11 weeks tomorrow starting my retraining and new career.  It feels tangible now – I’m going to be a trainee infant teacher!

After 18 months wrangling with the Council, who are my maintenance company for the flat they are finally putting plans in place to get rid of my damp.  The asphalt that has just gone on to the balcony has dented in the heat and been pierced by my balcony furniture, but beggars can’t be choosers.  I am also hoping that on Saturday my MP may start to lobby on my behalf too after our meeting.

Moblie is home! Yay! He’s off again on 18^th until 28 July but right here, right now things are great and he’s home and we’ve spent an extraordinary special amount of time together.  PLUS he’s booking us a holiday to Tallinn (Capital of Estonia – I had to look it up) for a week in August!! What made the decision was this:

1. no visa required
2. we can stay for a week for a third of the cost of 3 days in Moscow
3. we can do a daytrip to Helsinki in Finland as it’s only 2 hours by ferry
4. neither of us has been before
5. it’ll be 20degrees so we wont melt
6. it has good reviews on trip advisor (www.tripadvisor.com)
7. it is famed for it’s KNITTED SOUVENIERS and handicrafts!!  So Moblie said “I have to take you now don’t I??”

I am so excited! Oh and I bought some handpainted 2ply yarn for a shawl yesterday on etsy.com - SQUEE!

Life is good!

When I first started to blog I naively thought I would try out all sorts of styles of writing and by process of sheer bloody mindedness and a prolific repertoire I would learn the art of becoming a great writer.  I am not sure that this is the case.

I read other blogs to inspire me to create, and because this is my form of being nosey.  I don’t read gossip magazines or entertainment websites and I believe that these vehicles alongside of blogs etc are the replacement for the old cup of tea and a chat over the back fence that used to happen in an all too long gone era.  For me it is the reason that people from BigBrother and such like become such hits with the press - people like to feel a sense of community; nowadays that just happens to be a virtual one.  

I particularly like to read the blogs written by Bells, Quelle Erqsome and Ysolda (listed on the right) because by turns they have something I want – namely a talent for writing, beautiful knitting, and an ability to photograph coupled with an awe inspiring ability to write.

On Ravelry Erqsome sent me a message and at the end wrote – You’ve not updated your blog recently, everything ok?  This simple sentence took me by surprise. Why would someone with her cult Ravelry status (honestly she is like a guru) and talent for writing and knitting read my blog?  I have no idea. My blog has become a breeding ground for nothing-ness and frivolity and all things unimportant. I write my blog for my own personal development and therapy for the most part.  A space for me to virtually shake out my brain and keep going again so that none of my friends have to overly listen to my droning on, and a safe space for me to work out my feelings about issues etc.  My safe haven is not a place of great literary works, nor one for cult status.  Initially it was started in tandem to a then friend so we could each learn the art of writing for a public audience, but then it became a competition over who wrote more and that wasn’t healthy for anyone.  I still read her journal and try and push down the jealous voices that criticise her overly ornate style which uses too many adjectives and not enough nouns and definite articles.  Partly I am jealous that she is losing weight about 1000 times quicker than me due to her operation to reduce her stomach, and partly I am still angry for the way in which she ended the friendship so visciously and rapidly and I feel in part to blame.  I read her blog to punish myself daily. Maybe this is my form of a hairshirt. 

I am under no illusions that I have 1000s of readers who dutifully tune in daily like I do to others’.  The only person I nag to read the entries is Moblie, and that’s only when I’ve been uncharacteristically loving towards him in the written word. 

I do wonder what people draw from my words. A sense that they are not alone?  Consolation? Intrigue? Maybe I echo their own frustration about certain issues. After such fanciful notions however, I usually remind myself that a readership of 3 probably don’t think too much at all other than natural curiosity over who might write such posts.
 

I love:
falling asleep entangled with my Moblie and waking up in the exact same position all cuddled up
baking
a clean flat
laughing myself silly
knitting
listening to music and dancing round the kitchen which makes my boyfriend laugh
getting yarn fever and squeezing every ball in the shop which makes me want one of each skein
cake
pashminas 
that I have a close relationship with my mum and brother and would pick them as friends if I wasn’t related to them
green
how supportive and loving Moblie is no matter how much I throw at him
Christmas
gardening in my own limited way on my balcony
cold wintery nights where i am cosy indoors knitting and watching bad telly
dresses
the smell of fresh laundry
washing my hands
Moblie (of course)
bingo
cooking new recipes
getting hooked on a great novel
losing weight and regaining control
being cosy
kitten heels
everything lemon – food, bath products, the colour, room aromas – you name it!
getting into a freshly made bed
the 1950s
walking along the beach or in the forest and feeling carefree
lists
holidays
men in a sharp suit and tie
barbecues and picnics
anticipation

I loathe:
Apathy
oversleeping
people dropping doors on you as you walk through
eating with your mouth open
cooked egg white
wastefulness
heat when it is unbearably hot and I can’t breathe
not understanding crochet patterns no matter how many times I read them
talking with your mouth full
that Moblie works away at sea for weeks at a time
migraines
overly complicated food
anxiety attacks
not being able to store things effectively in my flat because of my inexplicable need to be able to see everything I own
people asking if I am pregnant because I am fat
bureaucracy
the damp in my flat
yarn and pattern snobbery
not being able to wear high heels without pain
my credit card debts
giving money as a present
food that tastes like nothing or is not worth its calorific content